There are plenty of instances in life, both minor and major, when we could use more assertiveness to stand up for ourselves:

* a friend repeatedly borrows money and hasn't paid back a dime;

* we get berated by a boss in front of other employees;

* a girlfriend wants us to be someone we're not.

As satisfying as imagining those "this is what I should've done" scenarios, the satisfaction is way too vacant to endure for long. What you need to do is make those moments when you could have put someone in their place count for something.

That being said, here are four steps that will help you learn to stand up for yourself.

Limit your body language

When you're berated or insulted, it is very easy to let your body speak for you instead of your mouth; you might fidget or start to nod, shrug your shoulders or even offer pathetic, apologetic smiles. All of these things are signs of conciliation, that you are on the way to giving up; they weaken you before you've even had a chance to do anything about it.

In trying to stand up for yourself, the first step is to limit this body language to an absolute minimum. Instead, stand or sit still and look the person in the eye. Wait until they're done before you respond; don't even bother trying to interrupt. This is their opportunity to let you have it, so give it to them -- just make certain that when your chance to respond comes, you insist that nobody interrupts you.

The same applies when dealing with a superior, although you might want to consider applying some delicacy: Wait until you're interrupted, then politely remind him or her that you deserve to be heard.

Speak in active, first-person terms

Stand up for yourself by keeping your language direct; speak from your own point of view. Begin your response by rooting your sentences in the first person: Say, "I disagree" or "I won't" or "I think." It helps you to stay germane to the topic and also prevents you from launching personal attacks on others. This isn't a debate and it isn't a battle where the best defense might be a good offense. This is defending your actions, motives or opinions against frivolous attacks by others that try to minimize you.

While the words "I'm sorry" might sound like they apply because the statement begins with "I," they do not. This is a passive grammatical construction, and you do not want to say anything passive while trying to stand up for yourself. Never apologize for standing up for yourself; you can apologize later for saying something in the heat of the moment that wasn't especially wise (this is to be avoided with your boss), but never for defending yourself.

Drop your tone of voice when finished speaking

Most of the time, we're entirely unaware of the tone of voice we use to speak to others. When you want to stand up for yourself, your tone of voice could mean everything, however. It's the difference between being heard, commanding respect and simply being ignored.

When you make your vocal stand, do your best not to stutter, mumble or speak softly. You can anticipate all these issues by talking slowly, at a cool, measured pace.

Most importantly, do not end your response by raising the tone of your voice because the end result may be disastrous: It turns your defense from a statement into a question, and you aren't asking anyone anything right now, you're informing them. At the end of your "speech," drop your voice down a tone from whatever level you're speaking. This simple step gives your words an unmistakable authority and finality.

Bring the situation to an end

Someone else got this ball rolling by making you feel small. Take control of the situation by being the one to conclude it. If this means you need to stand up for yourself by offering an ultimatum and you can afford to do so, offer it up: "I'm not changing my mind on this; take it or [drop the tone] leave it."

While it might not be wholly accurate to classify the people we frequently buckle to as bullies, we can make the analogy at least long enough to note that most bullies -- from pushy girlfriends to boisterous bosses -- neither expect resistance nor know what to do when confronted with it. Faced with their unknown and possibly unreliable reaction, shut down the situation before you have to find out what it might be: Reassert your position if necessary, and appear as uncooperative and as unreasonable as the situation merits. For example, dealing with a boss might merit less uncooperativeness and a shade more conviction, so that you're coming across as someone who believes in himself and his talents. To accomplish this, you might suggest a solution or, if you can live with it, a compromise.

Finally, stand up for yourself by omitting any references to you "finally standing up" for yourself; that's giving up too much information. Besides, you should have no cause to explain yourself: your actions from now on be clear enough.

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